What I’ve learned about understanding, letting go, and showing up differently
There’s a particular kind of helplessness that comes with parenting a young adult who is struggling. You can see exactly what they need. You can see the gap between who they are and what the world seems to be asking of them. And you love them fiercely. Only love isn’t always the thing that helps most.
I’ve spent years working with young people and families as a coach and educator. I thought I understood ADHD. Then I found myself on the other side of it – as a parent – and realised how different understanding something intellectually is from living it. This is what I’ve learned – starting with a word that changed how I see everything.
Aroreretini: “Attention goes to many things”
In te Reo Māori, ADHD is called aroreretini – coined by Māori linguist Keri Opai as part of Te Reo Hāpai, the Language of Enrichment. Rather than a deficit or disorder, the name describes what is actually happening: a mind that moves with curiosity across many things at once. It is an expansive description, not a limiting one.
When I first encountered this word, something shifted in me. Not because it removes the very real challenges of living with ADHD (it doesn’t), but because it starts from a completely different place. It starts from the person, not the problem.
In te Reo Māori, neurodivergent traits are increasingly understood as taonga – treasures – unique ways of being that carry their own mana, strengths, and gifts. That reframe matters. Because the story we tell about our young people shapes everything: how they see themselves, how they ask for help, and whether they believe they have something worth offering the world. The gap between knowing what to do and being able to do it — that is the heart of ADHD. And once you truly understand that everything changes.
It’s not about effort or attitude
One of the most important shifts I’ve had to make is understanding that ADHD is not a motivation problem or a character flaw. It is a neurological difference in how the brain manages executive function – the system responsible for planning, starting tasks, managing time, regulating emotions, and following through.
A young person with ADHD can know exactly what needs to happen, genuinely want to do it, and still find themselves unable to initiate or sustain it – especially when tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally flooded. This is sometimes called the “knowing-doing gap”, and it is one of the most frustrating and misunderstood aspects of the condition.
When I started seeing my son’s behaviour through this lens rather than through the lens of willingness or effort, I stopped feeling frustrated and started feeling something closer to compassion. Not soft compassion – practical compassion. The kind that asks: what does he need, rather than what should he be doing?
About Lisa Swinburn
Lisa Swinburn is a Wānaka-based family coach who supports parents to build stronger, more connected relationships with their children through mindful, respectful and evidence-informed parenting approaches. Drawing on both professional expertise and lived experience, she helps families navigate challenges with greater confidence, understanding and compassion.
If you would like to discuss and explore your own parenting style and discover some practical tips on how to help you feel more confident and mindful, familycoach.co.nz and book a free 15-minute chat.
For more
Visit: https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/adhd-aroreretini