Ever notice how your teen zeroes in on the one thing that went wrong, even when lots went right?
Author: Kim Tay, Director – The Wellbeing Works
It’s not just teenage angst – it’s a survival instinct built into all of us. Our brains are wired to focus more on what’s wrong than what’s right. This “negativity bias” helped our ancestors stay alert to danger – like spotting a lion in the long grass – but these days, it’s more like a super-sensitive smoke alarm going off every time you burn the toast. Helpful in the wild. Less helpful when you’re 15 and your beach volleyball partner ditches you a week before the tournament.
That’s what happened to my daughter. It was upsetting, and totally understandable. But after letting the emotions land, we worked through a simple technique to help her feel more in control again: the CAN technique.
C = Control
Ask: What parts of this can I control? She couldn’t change her volleyball partner’s decision – but she could decide how to handle it. That included how she responded, how she managed her emotions, and what she did next.
A = Accept
Acknowledge the facts, then let it go. “This sucks. It’s not fair.” Let yourself/your teen feel it – then breathe. Don’t get stuck dwelling on what you/they can’t control.
N = Now Act
Ask: What’s one small thing you can do now? For my daughter, it was making a list of other players she could talk to about partnering up for the next season.
This is known as mental flexibility. Choosing to change the way you’re thinking, so you can feel better and handle things more easily. While we can’t protect our kids from disappointment, we can teach them how to move through it with more confidence and less overwhelm.
Try it yourself. Try it with your teen. You might be surprised how empowering it feels to go from ‘stuck’ to ‘stepping forward’.
For more, check out this MBIE video (04:15): Overcoming the Negativity Bias with Mental Flexibility
Kim Tay is the founder of The Wellbeing Works and runs science-based workshops that build mental skills for wellbeing and high performance – at home, at school, and at work.
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